


Funny Ladies

by CinnamonStyx



Category: Batman - All Media Types, DCU, Green Lantern (Comics), Harley Quinn (Comics), Infinity Inc. (Comics), Justice Society of America (Comics), Suicide Squad (Comics), Teen Titans (Comics)
Genre: Arkham Asylum, Bronze Age, Dick Grayson is Robin, Gen, Golden Age (Comics), Pre-Crisis, Supervillains
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-12
Updated: 2019-07-18
Packaged: 2020-06-27 01:16:36
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 4,449
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19780249
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CinnamonStyx/pseuds/CinnamonStyx
Summary: A series of short one-off stories dedicated to the various clown themed villainesses of the DC universe.Featuring Molly Mayne, Duela Dent, Marcie Cooper, Jewelee, and, of course, Harleen Quinzel.





	1. Molly Mayne

**Author's Note:**

> So it turns out that the DCU has a weirdly large amount of clown-themed villainesses (Well, only like five but that's still way too many). Like it says in the description, there are going to be four non-connected one-shot stories about all these characters. Specifically Molly Mayne, Duela Dent, Marcie Cooper, Jewelee, and Harley Quinn. I'm going to be writing these in the order of when they were introduced. And since Molly/Harlequin I was first introduced in the late '40s we'll be starting with her. I've read a few comics with her in them but they feature Molly as an older woman after reforming. This story is about Molly when she was a villain. I think I did a good job on her characterization though.
> 
> The next chapter shall feature Duela Dent.

**Gotham City, 1948**

The chase had been going on for an hour now. Alan Scott knew it shouldn't have been this hard to apprehend the Harlequin. After all, he had the power of the Starheart on his side while Molly Mayne was just a woman in a gaudy costume. Sure, she had a nice car and illusion projecting glasses but it was hardly a match for him.

Alan spotted Molly running through a back alley. The bright colours of her clothes made her stand out immediately. He swooped down from the sky and landed in front of Molly and put his hands on his hips to look imposing and confident. Molly came to a stumbling stop. One of her hands clutched her trademark weapon, a mandolin, while the other hand had a small sack, presumably filled with stolen goods, in it. Like a cliche robber out of a comic strip, it appeared that Molly had drawn a dollar sign on the sack.

"Ah, you've finally shown up, Green Lantern!" Molly pointed her mandolin at Alan. "I was beginning to think you didn't care about little old me."

"The game's over Harlequin, surrender the money and come with me quietly." Alan put the fist with his ring on it out in front of him.

"I don't think so. You'll have to catch me first!" Molly tapped the side of her glasses and all of a sudden at least a dozen illusionary copies of Molly materialized around Alan.

"And see which one of me is real!" the illusions, as well as the real Molly, proclaimed in unison.

In a flurry of colours, Molly and the illusions of Molly ran past a very confused Green Lantern and into the street behind him.

Recovering quickly, Alan zipped back into the air and flew after Molly. "When will you get tired of this game, Harlequin!"

"When you admit that you love me!" this time the voice only had one source. Alan's plan had worked and Molly had revealed her location.

Alan honed in on the source of the sound and he dived down towards it. This time he tackled Molly wish his flying start and they both tumbled around on the ground for a moment. Molly lost the money she'd stolen in the process but didn't care. She was more than happy to be this close to the Green Lantern right now.

"I knew you couldn't resist me!" Molly laughed. She rolled around under Alan's grip until she was able to force her mandolin against his chest. "Hey Green Lantern, guess what this thing's made of?"

"Wood…"

"You got it!"

Molly pressed a button on the head of the mandolin, causing its neck to extend. The mandolin forcefully pushed into Alan's chest, knocking him flat on his back. A normal man would not have been affected by a regular mandolin, but Alan's superpowered form suffered an extreme weakness to something as common as wood.

Alan groaned and looked up to see Molly standing over him with her mandolin telescoping back to its regular size.

"I know why you really can't catch me… It's 'cause you love me. You'd hate to see the love of your life go to jail forever." Molly bends down and kissed the prone hero on the forehead. "One day, you'll be mine."

"Sorry Harlequin, you're wrong."

While Molly was enamored with Alan, that's when he made his move. First he snatched the Mandolin out of her hands and threw it behind him, shattering to splints. Then he got up and yanked the goggles off her face. He felt a little bad about it, like he was playing dirty.

In the moment Alan thought about that, Molly started to run away from him. Without either of her weapons, Molly felt powerless and opted to make a getaway. Alan held his ring out forward and conjured up a giant green hand which reached out and wrapped around Molly, lifting her up and effectively stopping her.

Alan flew over to Molly and sighed. "Come on Harlequin, let's bring you down to the police station."

"Why don't you love me, Green Lantern?" Molly whined. "Everything I've ever done, I did it for you."

"Molly, you're a low level criminal with a fixation on me that borders on dangerous." Alan flew up, dragging Molly with her across the city.

"It's not fair, you don't get it… If I was just plain old Molly Mayne a big hero like you would never notice me." Molly sighed. "But if I become _the Harlequin_ , dress in my funny costume and wear my silly glasses then you _have to_ notice me. And if you notice me enough, maybe you'll even _love me_."

Alan didn't say a word to Molly as he flew her across the city. Out of all the garishly dressed supervillains he fought, both as a solo hero and with the Justice Society, Molly Mayne was the only one he ever really felt bad for. He wished he could tell her the truth, that the mysterious Green Lantern was her former boss Alan Scott from when she worked at the radio station. But he knew he couldn't.

In a way, Alan felt responsible for how Molly had ended up. She wasn't like Icicle or the Sportsmaster, all she wanted was some attention. Against his better judgement, Alan turned back around and landed near where he'd picked Molly up in the first place.

"Harlequin- Molly, look, you're not a bad person." Alan made the green hand place Molly back down. "Get rid of the goggles, the costume, the mandolin, and try doing something else with your life. I'll tell the police you got away. I'm giving you a second chance here, and I think you should take it."

Molly smirked. "I knew you couldn't resist me. Letting your true love go free again to fight another day." She turned around and ran off down the alley, picking up her glasses in the process. "Until next time, Green Lantern!"

Alan watched as she disappeared from his view. "Dammit… I should've taken her in…"

For a moment, Alan considered running after her and arresting her but the part of him that still saw her as just confused and attention hungry told him not to. So instead he just stood there, listening to the Harlequin's echoing laughter fade away.


	2. Duela Dent

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this chapter is focused on Duela Dent, a character who has undergone a lot of changes. But I'm going to be sticking to what she originally was in the '70s as part of the Bronze Age version of the Teen Titans. I've actually read a few digital comics from this era so it helps with getting characterization down. This chapter's a little shorter than the last one but I hope it's still okay.
> 
> The next chapter features the second Harlequin, Marcie Cooper.

**Long Island, 1977**

A lot had changed since the formation of the Teen Titans and Dick Grayson remembered it all. First it was just him, Kid Flash, and Aqualad teaming up one time when he was fourteen. Then, Speedy and Wonder Girl joined and it become kind of an unofficial "Sidekicks Club". But years after that, the Titans gained more members such as Herald, Bumblebee, and Duela Dent; a woman who went by many names.

Duela happened to be on Robin's mind quite a bit today. The entire team, Dick included, had been a little uneasy when Duela first joined. Even after being loyal to them for a while, something about her didn't seem right. She first introduced herself to Dick by committing small crimes and deducing Dick's identity. After that, Duela claimed all she ever really wanted was to be a hero. So Dick let her on to the Titans, partly because he believed in second chances but also partly to preserve his secret identity.

But the longer Duela was on the team, the less made sense about her. So on a day when it seemed there were no reported supervillain attacks, Dick decided to make his move. He went up to Duela's bedroom and knocked on the door.

"Duela, it's Robin. Can I come in?"

_"Of course you can! I'm always happy to see my friends."_

Dick opened the door and entered the room. Duela lay on her bed reading a book. She put down the book and sat up to better talk to Dick.

"So what brings you here today?"

"Listen, we need to talk about something."

"If it's about that prank I pulled on Speedy I just want you to know he was asking for it."

"It's not that… I want to trust you. But I need you to be honest with me about some things." Robin sat down on the bed next to Duela.

"I've been perfectly honest about everything about me." Duela huffed and stood up. "You've known me the longest, you should know that."

"Duela, you seem like a good person but nothing about you is adding up." Robin got up from the bed as well to be on the same level as Duela. "You said you're the daughter of Harvey Dent, but that doesn't make sense. I've checked the files Batman has and it says Dent and his wife had no children before he was scarred with acid."

"Well, that's because Harvey cheated on his wife."

"You've always told me _Gilda Dent_ was your mother and that Harvey hated you because he wanted twins. Which makes no sense either since Dent's duality obsession didn't start until _after_ he was Two-Face."

Duela was sweating a little, clearly uncomfortable. "I was… I was _embarrassed_ by my father's infidelity. And maybe I embellished the truth about the whole twin thing. But everything else I said was true. I am Harvey Dent's daughter and I want to be the hero he couldn't be."

"One of the first things Batman taught me was how to spot a liar. Just tell me the truth." Dick stared down Duela. "Why invent this confusing story? Be honest, is _Duela_ even your real first name?"

"I… I don't… I don't need to answer all these questions." Duela bit her lip and turned around. She hurried out of the room and ran down the hall.

"Duela, wait!"

Dick rushed after her as fast as he could. He employed his acrobatic skills to leap into the air and over Duela's head, landing in front of her.

"I just want to talk."

"No, you're going to kick me off the team."

"I'm not. I just want some idea of who you are. If we all knew, we'd feel more comfortable with you around."

Duela fell silent. After a few seconds, she smiled and nodded. "Alright, walk with me." she continued down the hall and Dick followed her at a reasonable pace. "You're a good detective, Dick. Saw through me right away."

"So you have _nothing_ to do with Two-Face."

"Yep." Duela nodded along.

"And calling yourself _Joker's Daughter?_ What was that about?"

"Seemed like a funny idea. I sure had you confused." Duela giggled.

"So who are you really?"

Duela kept walking in silence while she thought of an answer. "Just a nobody who wanted to be a somebody." she smiled when she noticed Dick's confused face. "Look Dick, I'd prefer if we kept this between you and me. This _Duela Dent_ act I have going, I have fun with it. I'd like to keep it up with the rest of the team."

"Fine, I won't tell anyone about this. I'll make up some lie about your Harvey Dent story being the truth. But one last thing…"

"Yes Robin?"

"What _is_ your real name?"

"Evelyn. You can call me Evelyn."

She walked off down the hall while Robin stopped in his tracks. He'd come no closer to figuring out where "Duela" had come from. Sure, he'd been able to debunk her claims of being a supervillain's daughter but he was no closer to figuring out who she really was.

"At least she's one of the good guys…" Dick muttered to himself as he turned around, walking down the hall to find the rest of the Teen Titans.


	3. Marcie Cooper

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I feel like Marcie Cooper is the most obscure of the characters featured in this story. This one-shot probably only makes sense if you've read the '80s Infinity Inc stories. But hopefully, it works regardless. This is a short chapter so I don't have much to say about it.
> 
> The next chapter will feature Jewelee.

**California, 1988**

It had only been a few days since Infinity Inc. had disbanded and nobody quite felt right. But without Skyman to lead them, the whole team felt lost. So, they felt it was best for everyone to go their separate ways. However, a few members of Infinity Inc. had chosen to stay behind at the scene of their final battle and help clean up the wreckage caused by their fight with Injustice Unlimited. Among them were Jenni Lynn-Hayden and Todd Rice. Aliases, Jade and Obsidian.

"I still can't believe it…" Todd surveyed the damage that had been done in the fight. "Infinity Inc, all gone."

"We can only hope to move on…" Jenni said. "I was thinking we could join the Justice League. I hear they need all the help they can get these days."

"Hmm, interesting idea." Todd began moving a slab of concrete out of the way. "You know, I hear what's left of the Justice Society is thinking about reforming. Maybe we'd fit in there."

"It's good to keep our options-" Jenni stopped herself when she thought she saw some movement coming from underneath the concrete. "Oh my god, Todd, someone's alive under there. If they're still alive they must have been trapped down there for days."

Jenni and Todd worked quickly, utilizing their powers to move the rubble away. Once enough of it was cleared they got a good look at who was underneath. The blonde hair and checkered costume made her instantly recognizable, it was Marcie Cooper.

"Marcie!" Todd exclaimed in shock.

"Todd, I think she might be dead."

Almost as soon as Jenni said this movement came from Marcie's body. First her eyes fluttered open, adjusting to consciousness again. She reached an arm up and almost instinctively Jenni reached back.

Marcie's hand curled into a claw and latched on to Jenni's arm, digging into her skin. "I… I'll kill… I'll kill you…" a hideous scowl formed on Marcie's face but just as quick she let go and fell back to the ground. Still conscious, but breathing abnormally. "Hate... You…"

"We should… We should help her, right?" Todd asked.

"I guess…" Jenni rubbed her arm in the spot where Marcie had grabbed her. "We're heroes, we save people… Even when they don't deserve it."

Todd leaned in towards Marcie. "Hey, Marcie, we're going to try and get you to stand. Dr. Mid-Nite- Beth, she has an infirmary set up here. We're going to get you over there."

Carefully, Jenni and Todd helped Marcie up from the rubble. Each of them took an arm and slowly led Marcie away from where she had been lying.

"Are you going to be okay?" Jenni asked. "We all thought Grundy killed you."

Marcie didn't respond with words, just made a strained groaning noise.

Todd and Jenni brought Marcie's half conscious body over to the makeshift infirmary the second Dr. Mid-Nite, real name Beth Chapel, had set up.

"Beth, we found Harlequin in the rubble. She's still breathing, we need you to do your thing." Todd explained.

"Set her down here." Beth went to an empty hospital bed. "I'll see what I can do for her."

Jenni and Todd helped Marcie into the bed while Beth went to check on her.

"Harlequin, my name is Dr. Chapel. You're going to be okay. Can you hear me?"

"No man escapes the Manhunters…" Marcie weakly slurred, making an attempted swipe at Beth's face.

"Do you think we should have left her there?" Todd asked as him and his sister watch Beth tend to Marcie. "I mean, all of this…" he looks at the rubble around them. "Her and her team started this. If it wasn't for her Skyman- Sylvester, he would still be alive."

"It's hard to think about, I know." Jenni nodded. "Wishing someone else was dead. It'd be wrong for her to die now though. I mean, look at her. She's so helpless. In a way, this is sort of karmic for her."

"Do you think she'll change? After seeing where being against us got here."

"We can only hope."

Marcie seemed to have calmed down by now and was quietly lying in her bed. Seeing this, Jenni and Todd got closer to the bed.

"Is she going to live, Beth?" asked Jenni.

"Well, it looks like she'll live but it will take a long time to fully recover." Beth nodded. "Hopefully the hospital in whatever prison she's sent to can take care of her."

"It's weird, I still feel bad for her." Todd crossed his arms and looked at Marcie. "It's kinda sad… I'd hate to be the one in her condition…"

Marcie's eyes opened fully again and her face looked panicked. She reached up again, causing Todd, Jenni, and Beth to recoil. But instead, she gently grabbed on to Beth's arm and looked up at her.

"Thank you…" Marcie choked. "I wouldn't… I wouldn't have done the same…" she let go of Beth and passed out again.

"You two are right." Beth whispered to Todd and Jenni. "She is kinda sad… Almost makes you forget all the chaos she caused."

"Look at it this way, history's going to remember us while Marcie Cooper's just gonna be another bad guy." Jenni remarked, focusing in on Marcie's face. "Let's hope this is the last we see of her."

"Who knows, maybe this will make her see things differently." Beth suggested.

"One can only hope." Todd remarked.


	4. Jewelee

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It was a little difficult writing this chapter because I kept making Jewelee act too much like Harley Quinn. Although they do have a lot of similarities including being part of the Suicide Squad at some point (Although Jewelee did it first). The main difference in personality is that Jewelee doesn't seem as smart as Harley and is probably in a much better relationship than her. Anyway, I hope I did a good job of making Jewelee distinct.
> 
> The chapter after this one is going to be the final chapter and will feature Harley Quinn.

**Belle Reve, 1989**

On the surface, Punch and Jewelee seemed like sociopathic airheads who were supervillains just for the fun of it. But Amanda Waller didn't believe that they were so simpleminded. She believed that under the surface was some kind of cunning strategic mind that could possibly be enough to usurp her position of power. Waller realized that there was no way she'd stop their goofiness if they were together. So the next time the Suicide Squad had a mission, she made sure to send Punch out and leave Jewelee back with her.

Once Jewelee was alone, Waller called her to her office for a little chat. Even without Punch, Jewelee still seemed to be her usual cheery self as she rocked back and forth on her chair in front of Waller.

"So, whatta you want out of me?" Jewelee smiled up at Waller. "If it's about who's been throwing pies at people it's not me. But I like their style!"

"Jewelee, I'm here to have a very serious conversation with you." Amanda leaned forward.

"Hmm… I don't think so. I don't really do serious." Jewelee scooted away from Waller. "Wait a minute… Is this way you sent Punchykins away? Do you have a super special mission just for me?"

"I'm just here to ask you a few questions, Ms. Phillips." Waller leaned away again, trying to come off as less imposing. "According to the file we have on you and your partner it says that you've fought Captain Atom. Is that correct?"

"The shrinky guy? Never met him. Must be confusing me with someone else."

" _Captain_ Atom." Waller repeated. The only reaction this got out of Jewelee was some confused blinking. "He's tall and chrome."

"Oh, him! Yeah, me and Punch ran into him one time. He was with that shadowy girl who works here. Nightdark? Is that her name?"

"Captain Atom is immensely powerful and yet it says here it took considerable effort from him to apprehend you. Care to explain this?"

"I dunno, guess me and Punchy got lucky with him. Didn't realize he was that powerful actually." Jewelee absently looked off at a framed photo on the wall behind Amanda.

Waller glared at the woman in front of her, she did not appreciate Jewelee's uncaring attitude and was determined to get something out of her.

"Jewelee, our missions have had a very high mortality rate recently and yet somehow you and Punch have come out of all of them alive. How do you think that is?"

"Skills?" Jewelee shrugged and crossed her arms.

"You have no skills. We signed you two up for the team because we needed someone expendable. But you two have proved to be… Moderately competent. How is this possible?"

Jewelee tilted her head and squinted at Waller. "I'm confused… Are we being fired?"

"Don't play dumb with me, girl. There's no way you and your boyfriend should be alive right now. I wanna know what you're hiding?"

"He's my _husband_ not my boyfriend. I mean, technically we're not married but I consider him a husband."

"You're not answering the question."

"What was the question?"

"What are you hiding?"

"Huh? I'm still confused."

Waller pounded her hand down on a table in frustration, causing Jewelee to flinch. "God! You're worse than Dr. Light!"

"Whoa, Wallie, calm down. What's the big deal here?"

"Do _not_ call me _'Wallie'_."

"Just explain, alright. I don't know what's going on here."

"Be up front with me, Jewelee. Are you and Punch plotting something? We have ways of detecting your lies. And if you aren't truthful, the punishment will be severe."

Waller stared at Jewelee and she could almost see the gears turning inside the harlequin's head. But to Waller's surprise, Jewelee unexpectedly burst into a fit of uproarious laughter.

"Oh my god! You think me and Punch are- Are some kinda criminal masterminds? Oh, that's rich!" she choked a little, still laughing through it. "Punchy's a sweetheart, but he's no genius. Neither am I for that matter. Oh, I gotta tell him about this later… Most hilarious thing I've heard all day." Jewelee rose from her chair and turned around, still cackling. "Well, it's been a blast but I'm gonna go back to my room now. Thanks for talkin'! I'll be waiting for Punch if you need me."

"You can't just leave!" Waller sputtered in surprise.

"Yeah I can, I'm doing it right now. Bye! _Tra la la, la la la la..._ "

Jewelee left the room and closed the door behind her. Waller sat still in her chair, a little confused at what had just happened. After a few seconds one of Belle Reve's top security guards, a man named Murph, entered the room.

"Ms. Waller, what the hell just happened?" Murph asked. "You said you were going to crack Jewelee, but she just left and she seemed happy... She was even hummin' the theme from the _Banana Splits Show_."

"I don't really know what happened." Waller nodded. "But mark my words, Murph… Punch and Jewelee will not get the better of me ever again." she paused. "The only good thing I've got to say about her right now is that she isn't Captain Boomerang."


	5. Harleen Quinzel

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope I did a good job on this chapter. I tried my best not to retread stuff that's already been written about Harley and I think I did alright. Just to let you know, there's a brief description of violence/blood in this chapter but it's not graphic and the audience doesn't see it happen. If I need to bump up the rating please let me know. Anyway, hope this is a good end to the story.

**Arkham Asylum, Present Day**

It was another normal day in Arkham Asylum. Well actually, there's technically no such thing as "Normal" at a mental hospital for supervillains but it was as close to normal as it could. And by normal it meant one of the patients had caused some kind of incident that required the intervention of staff.

This time, the patient in question was Harley Quinn and the incident involved repeatedly banging her head against the bars of her cell and screaming until her forehead bled. Several hours later, Harley was in the asylum's medical area with a bandage around her head and her head psychiatrist Dr. Joan Leland sitting by her side.

"So Ms. Quinzel… I think we need to talk about what just happened." Dr. Leland adjusted her glasses

"Hmm, 'bout what?" Harley stared at the ceiling, feigning naivety.

"About why you're in the infirmary. You could have killed yourself."

"But I didn't!" Harley giggled. "Anyway, it was all a big goof. Wanted to freak you guys out. Boy, was it a laugh!"

"Harley, you were yelling specifically to talk to me while you injured yourself. Why did you do that?"

"I dunno, guess I wanted to see how you reacted to my little prank."

"Stop calling it a prank Ms. Quinzel, you've seriously injured yourself." Dr. Leland tried to comfort Harley by putting a hand by her side. "I think, whether you realized it consciously or not, you had something you wanted to talk to me about. And you thought the best way to get my attention was pulling that stunt back in your cell."

Harley shrugged. "I dunno, I think I just did it for fun. But you're the shrink here, doc. So what do you think I wanna talk about?"

"Don't be so evasive, Ms. Quinzel. Just tell me what's on your mind."

"First you can stop with this whole _'Ms. Quinzel'_ stuff. Just call me Harley. It's what everyone else calls me."

Dr. Leland paused, considering the request. "Let's split the difference, I'll call you _Harleen_."

"Fine…"

"Harleen, why did you want to talk to me in the first place?"

"Wanted to talk to someone I guess." Harley avoided eye contact with Dr. Leland. "All my other friends are on the outside so I figured you were the next best thing."

"You consider me a friend?"

"Sure, why not. We used to hang out back before I went bonkers. Ya even bought me coffee one time."

Dr. Leland thought back, when Harley was a psychiatrist working at Arkham the two of them were acquainted. Although, Leland never would have used the word "Friend" to describe the relationship between her and Harley back then they certainly could have been friends if things had gone differently.

"Yes, I guess we were friends." Dr. Leland nodded, going along with Harley. "Is there anything you wanted to talk about in particular."

"Kinda…" Harley frowned. "I guess it is sorta about when I was one 'a the docs here..."

"Go on…" Dr. Leland kept nodding.

"Thing is… Do ya think I can ever be normal again? I mean, sure bein' a bubbly psycho's fun but I ain't really gonna do this forever right? What's my future gonna be? I didn't consider these things when I picked up that stupid costume. I just decided to ruin my life without thinkin'."

Dr. Leland took a few notes on her clipboard. "Harleen, this is some very interesting insight…"

"What's that? Did I say somethin'? I was spacin' out?"

Joan sighed, she could tell that Harleen was back to faking naivety again. Still, the insight it provided could be valuable.

"No, you didn't say anything." Dr. Leland lied. "Now get some rest, we want you to feel better."

"'Kay, nighty-night Joanie…" Harley lay down in the bed and closed her eyes.

"Before you go to sleep just promise me one thing."

"Hmm, what's that?" Harley opened one eye.

"Please don't hurt yourself again. I'd feel terrible if something happened to you."

"Pfft, no you wouldn't."

"No Harleen, I care about all of my patients."

"Yeah right." Harley giggled. "You just tell us that…"

"Believe me or not, it's your choice. But if you ever want to talk again just ask."

"Okie dokie, I'm gonna get some shuteye now." Harley closed her eyes again as Joan got up from her chair and left the room.


End file.
